You have to admit the health foods industry is rather impressive. They manage to exploit the science to spread anti-science. They use mildly scientific language to convince people of nonsense like the water bottle above. Though they do also just make wild claims like bell peppers cure cancer (they don’t, oncologists do). It never ceases to amase me how the health foods industry can come up with new products so regularly. So here’s a few of the dafter claims.
You have to beware of these toxins,
in non-organically farmed foods.
Don’t let yourself be boxed in,
by scientifically literate attitudes.
Just don’t ask us to name them,
see a name you don’t understand,
that’s enough for you to condemn,
and campaign to have them banned.
Beware the evils of processed food,
they will only make fat and dead,
eat organic sugar and obesity elude,
eat organic to stop that waistline spread!*
Processed foods raise the ph in your body,
they don’t just make you fat,
high acidity makes you feel shoddy,
Avocado Wolfe has the cure for that.**
This water has the memory,
of a long lost drop of onion juice,
and will cure your gonorrhea,
when applied with chippings of spruce.***
Want a nice natural remedy,
for asthma and seasonal allergies.
essential oils will cure that malady,
and help you control those calories.****
You could even go Gluten Free.
That’ll shave off the pounds,
friends will say “fuck me!”
and you used to be so round!*****
…or you could practice self restraint,
seek advice of medical professionals,
who actually know elbow from taint,
and not internet charlatans and delusionals.
*Amongst the many ridiculous claims of Vani Hari (Food Babe).
** No he fucking doesn’t! Do not raise the ph of your body, it can literally kill you! David Wolfe is full of shit.
*** Not actually the “natural cure” for gonorrhea but would be about as effective. I’ve added a link to one of the many pages claiming to have a cure for gonorrhea but DO NOT, I repeat DO FUCKING NOT use this as a cure for gonorrhea, if you think you have an STI contact a medical professional. For anyone in Dublin who feels they can’t afford private care the Guide Clinic in St. James’ Hospital is free. Please go there before opting to rub aloe vera on your junk.
**** If you have asthma, allergies or any respiratory problems please see a doctor, and if your kids have them don’t get any pissing eucalyptus, try and find the source of the allergic reaction. You may have to consider getting rid of the cat.
***** If you have not been diagnosed by a medical professional as being celiac don’t claim to be. If you think you are, get it checked out you can genuinely be hospitalised, and if it turns out you’re not don’t pretend you are in a restaurant. You’re co-opting a genuine illness. It’s like keeping a wheelchair in your car so you can use a handicapped parking space. It’s shitty.