As your Christmas unwinds,
prepare for the listicle grind,
of twelve of a kind,
from a media unrefined.
The twelve pubs,
the twelve worst snubs
the twelve best meat rubs,
the twelve cutest cubs.
The twelve most christmassy cakes,
the twelve calmest lakes,
the twelve hottest Jakes,
the twelve most effective rakes.
The twelve most festive tipples,
the twelve weirdest celebrity nipples,
the twelve most concentric ripples,
the twelve most inspirational cripples.
The twelve most chocolatey chocolates,
the twelve most mullety mullets,
the twelve most scariest plummets,
the twelve most vaginal gullets.
The twelve most christmassy jumpers,
the twelve most rockin’ fist pumpers,
the twelve cutest pictures of Bambi and thumper,
the twelve bravest men who found testicular lumpers.
The twelve loveliest Christmas family portraits,
the twelve least navigable straights,
the twelve worst ways to conjugate,
the twelve best ways to ovulate.
Twelve Christmas kittens,
twelve ways to knit mittens,
twelve unusual citrons,
twelve Z-list celebrity Britons.
The twelve most nostalgic movies,
the twelve best Premier League newbies,
the twelve biggest sets of wag’s boobies,
and twelve child actors holding doobies.
Twelve delicious Christmas dinners,
twelve Nobel award winners,
twelve toothless grinners,
twelve famous plate spinners.
twelve people to watch in the new year,
twelve ways to festive up your beer,
twelve of the cutest deer,
twelve ways to force Christmas cheer.
Twelve stages of crushing ennui,
twelve ways to be bourgeoisie,
twelve things someone should remind me,
twelve places I’d rather be.