All Of Humanity’s Knowledge At Your Finger-Tips And This Is What You Use It For.

This poem consists entirely of quotes of abuse received by women on the internet. It was a dark, dark few hours trawling through the bile, vitriol and unsettling attempts at flirtation. I have come out the other side a less happy person and grateful to have been born with dangly bits (I would say ashamed for my sex, but I'm not. I mean fuck these guys, we're the same sex as Tesla, Wilde and Lincoln. 'Bout time these mother fuckers act like it). I would like to thank Julia Hardy, Mia Matsumiya, Anita Sarkeesian and the contributors to Feminist Tinder for filleting the horrors of being a woman on the internet into easily accessible packets.

“When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you” -Friedrich Nietzsche.

Sorry for being rude but nice bum
Do you swallow cum
fuck you and your violen
Love to smash your back door in…

id pee in her butt
This British Slut.
Would do the interview so hard.
Sassy accent killer bod.

The women doing my nut in
Are you a virgin
You could make Hanukkah slutty
I would cream inside u so badly

Smile more you’d look so much better
That’s a muffin id like to butter
I would smash this chick #just saying
Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh masturbating……

Can I tie you up and brush your teeth?
Damn you look good enough to eat
I like boobs pussy and sexy woman
Your just as nothing as I am.

Most women are ugly as fuck
That Julia Hardy just needs good cock,
You never replied to me snotty bitch
Go back to the kitchen and make me a sandwich

ive got the perfect thing to fill that mouth with lol
Show my your cute lil’ butthole
You are a despicable whore
I don’t think I’ve ever seen an attractive feminist before

Dumb bitch doesn’t know anything
Feminist need to good to jail for existing.
I’m going to beat you with a sock of quarters
Fuck you and your supporters

Ur just a whore looking for daddy’s attention.
I will rape you into oblivion.
Hope you get raped by a wild pack of niggers
I hope every feminist has their head severed from their shoulders


*Spelling, grammar and punctuation errors preserved for your reading pleasure.
**Thanks to Qiva and Smur for expanding my sources, it would have been a significantly shorter poem without their links!


Role Models

Mel Gibson is a drink driving racist.
Jimmy Savile was a child rapist.
Rihanna returned to her abuser.
Eric Clapton was a heroin user.
Russell Crowe loves a good fight.
My mother always made me eat right.

No need to look to another,
a daughter takes after her mother.

Bill Clinton had extramarital relations.
The Church covered up child molestations.
George W. invaded under false assumptions.
Ryan Giggs [this violates super injunctions].
Randy Rhodes kamikazed his ex-wife’s trailer.
My father taught me success comes after failure.

For a role model look no further,
A boy will take after his father.

Marilyn Manson tea bagged concert security.
The Jonas brothers made money from sexual purity.
Miley Cyrus twerked Robin Thick.
Justin Bieber exposed his dick.
Brittany Spears shaved off all of her hair.
My mother always taught me to share.

“Do what I say, don’t do what I do”,
to a child never gets through.

Janis Joplin overdosed on heroin,
Keith Moon on prescription medication.
John Bonham choked on his own vomit.
Jimmy Hendrix choked on his own vomit.
Jim Morrison never made it to the coroner.
My father taught me to hold my own corner.

Celebrities are people and make their mistakes.
It’s not their fault little Timmy eats too many cakes.

Jeremy Clarkson punched a television producer.
Bush Sr. vomited on Japan’s Prime Minister.
Woody Allen married his adopted daughter.
Wayne Rooney solicited a grandmother.
Nigella Lawson added cocaine for flavour.
My mother always punished misbehaviour.

The famous are people with their own lives,
it’s up to you whether your child thrives.
People are people and they make mistakes,
they deal with consequences even without your rakes.
Want a good child? Be a good person.
Day by day no matter the burden.
End of the day they look to you,
what you say and the things that you do.
Treat your child with consideration,
be there for them for consolation,
for conversation,
And consultation.

Be not afraid if you lose your way,
it’s you they’ll blame for their faults anyway.

Ireland A Political Summary In Six-Line Abuse Format.

Fianna Fáil
have eyes on the Dáil,
where they used to sit.

A history of corruption,
without interruption.
I don’t trust the fuckers one bit.

Fine Gael
as a government fail,
sat in their ivory tower.

Continue with Irish water,
like lambs to the slaughter.
Their future’s looking quite dour.

The Labour Party,
formerly so hearty.
Now known for treachery

Fucked the poor,
with delusions of grandeur.
Caught up with political lechery.

Sinn Féin
as a party remain,
steeped in a chequered past.

In power untested.
It may be suspected
in government they too will shaft.

The poor ol’ Green Party,
for the sake of stability,
stayed in unpopular parliament.

Of two parties treated the worst,
But still they hunger and thirst
to save the environment.

The many parties of Irish Socialists,
renowned for outspokenness,
rarely listen in debate.

Always screaming injustice,
claiming they’re the poultice,
but with the electorate they rarely rate.

The Social Democrats,
hopefully not political acrobats,
like the other cute whores.

Ideas abundant,
but entirely redundant,
without the power election assures.

Look at Renua,
don’t let them fool ya,
they’re no different from the rest.

Cold and opportunistic,
with policies characteristic
of those without empathy blessed.

The Anti-Austerity Alliance
move forth in defiance
of agreement with the IMF.

A ninety billion euro loan
left many without home.
Yet all others remain deaf.

Being Real Is No Excuse For Being An Ill-mannered Pig Creature

You say “I’m real
and can’t stand fakes.
I say what I feel
and don’t care what it makes.

I speak my mind
and don’t suffer fools,
and I think you’ll find –
I make my own rules

Don’t care what you say,
I’m my own person.
Make my own way,
listen to no whoreson.”

I’m sorry but
you wither unbearable.
Your conversation’s a rut,
entirely unrepairable.

You mistake being real
for being ill-mannered.
Your actions reveal
a character of low standard.

Keeping it real,
and not taking shit,
is no excuse
for being civilly unfit.

You’re giving an excuse
for unnecessary rudeness.
Your reasoning’s loose
and seasoned with crudeness.

Try being polite
and not abrasive,
Who knows? You just might
be more persuasive.

To the ‘real’ this may be offensive,
possibly passive-aggressive.
So I beg if you pardon my zeal.
I’m afraid I’m just being real.

A Strange Kind Of Prime Minister

He steps forth nervous,
all eyes watching,
he hopes it’ll be worth it,
through the jeers and back slapping.

Room all a swirl,
the effects of Dom Perignon and soda.
Lights blur in pearl,
as he steadies nerves with vodka.

The older boy reclined in his throne,
strokes the pig’s head that calls his lap home.

He swallows his pride,
takes a step forward.
Undoes his fly,
turns his eyes wall-ward.

With a grunt of effort,
thrusts at the mouth.
Finds no comfort
as he hits the snout.

The room erupts.
The laughter is raucous.
As a voice interupts,
yelling “sir porkcus!”

This time takes aim,
meets piggy’s eye.
Swallows his shame
and takes another try.

He darts forth holding his member.
Telling himself “never surrender!”

Lands himself right between the lips.
Announced to the room with a shudder of the hips.

Tidying his trousers,
thinks all is private.
Should be wary that adders
will with vengeance reveal it.

When you fuck the poor
people will know it,
and when you turn scarlet,
will want more of it.

So David Cameron my old mucker,
this is why I laugh that you’re a pig fucker!

Henchmen Are People Too

He burns and mars,
and cuts, and murders.
Leaving men with scars,
homes without fathers.

The crowd whooping and cheering,
on their feet punch the air,
as the hero beats henchmen
– a species now quite rare.

He stalks and prowls,
now growing closer,
snarls and growls,
eyes growing bolder.

Bursts into the room,
door blown asunder.
Villain senses doom,
Punches hit like thunder

Villain left alive,
A hero so righteous.
Seems a henchman’s life
– doesn’t matter the slightest.